Little One

Three days after Christmas, December 28, 2006. My single daughter tells me with a rather shaky voice that she is expecting. Not exactly what I was expecting at that time in our lives. The day was long. I spent most of the afternoon and evening with her - consoling, comforting, and staying calm while she cried, worried and asked frantic questions. All the while inside my head I was screaming some pretty frantic questions myself, "What in the world are we going to do?  Will I have to raise this child?  What if she doesn't keep the child?  What if she won't have the child?  Where is the father?  What will this do to my daughter?  Can she handle it?  Can I handle it?"

Later that night she goes home and I go to bed. The screaming questions are still there.  A jumbled mess and I wonder how I'm going to be able to sleep. I walk down the hallway toward my bedroom and God is there. And it is just like Him. He comes unexpectedly and He speaks peace to me in the midst of my turmoil.  His unforgettable words to me are, "It is God and God alone who is the giver of life." It was settled. In that instant. This child is no mistake or error or accident. She is alive and meant to be in our lives. God is never surprised by anything that happens to us and He knows that this baby is going to be in our lives and it's going to be okay.

It has been over four years since that day and I look at her so many times and think of that night, always marveling at what a blessing she is to her Mommy, to me and the rest of our family. I can't imagine our lives without her sweet life.

God is all knowing and sovereign in all things, I know this.  But it can be so hard and at times seems impossible to accept the pain and disappointment of this life, much less try to understand why.

While another daughter grieves the loss of an unborn child but a child nonetheless. Her fourth, my tenth. And I can't be with her. I can't spend the day with her crying, consoling, comforting because she's 1500 miles away. Her husband is amazing and I know he is right there walking the journey with her. But I'm her Mother and my heart aches. It aches for the precious baby we have lost and it aches for my daughter who is experiencing unimaginable grief. I want to be there and hold her and manage her household so she can grieve. But I can't, so I am here, praying.

Before now, I had never realized that the moment my daughters tell me they are pregnant, I am instantly, in that moment, completely in love with my new grandchild. It's not something that "grows" on me.  It is full blast, all the way, in love with my newest grandchild.  I spend hours imagining the type person they will be. Will she look like her Mommy? Will he have red hair? Will she be quiet and reserved or raring to go at the drop of a hat?  But this time the love turns to loss and the emptiness is unexpected and overwhelming. The reality of it keeps popping up in my mind...She has really miscarried...We won't have a new baby in June...Our immediate family has experienced our first death. Wait...that means...there is a member of our family in heaven. One of "us" is in heaven. With Jesus. Right now.

Our arms will not get to hold our new baby in this limited existence we call life on earth and we ache because of it. But one thing I know for sure, our baby is resting in the arms of our Heavenly Father...for eternity.  And some sweet day, we will meet and hold and love on our new babe.  One comforting thought; but oh, how comforting.

In the back of my Bible, I wrote these words years ago - "fetus is Latin for 'little one'".  Rest easy, Little One, I'm still in love with you....